Sun, 29 October 2017
In this episode, I mention the great book that I have been listening to (and why I prefer to listen, not read.) The book is called The Like Switch and can be bought online in readable and audible formats here:
Thats the first part of the episode..... then I get into what I've considered the lifelong painful intersection of hormones (aka sex drive) and Aspergers.
The 2 have a profound opposing effect on each other - and from my perspective, Aspergers makes for a very very frustrating life. In fact, I believe the 4 meltdowns I've had - in which I've been in a state of undescribable, unforgettable mental pain for at least 5 minutes or more - are directly traceable to the inability to interact with other human beings in a way that might bring about physical intimacy. Jealousy and sadness after learning about others' successs in the area has always been painful to endure and long-recurring.
If you have experiences in this realm that you feel are powerful and worth mentioning on a future episode, anonymously of course, please don't hesitate to send an email to email@example.com .
Thanks for listening!
Thu, 14 September 2017
In this episode I mention how I had received an email saying it could be great if I could provide solutions to some of the problems I encounter or have identified in these podcast episodes. I also mention how I wasnt aware that a recurring theme on these episodes is my shame, and I have been thinking more about how I'm letting shame really get to me these days.
The idea about providing solutions struck me nicely, because my entire career has been about solving problems and finding solutions to very complex situations. I've continually amazed myself at the types of bizarre problems I've been able to solve within communications networks, so I enjoyed thinking about how I could offer some sort of advice that might help to guide an aspie toward a solution of some sort, given some particular ASD-related problem such as interacting with people in a certain scenario.
However, I believe that the solutions to such things are only available with preplanning. Choosing a great blue collar work environment is my best recommendation if preplanning is possible.
However, if current solutions are needed to deal with a certain behavior, and when there isn't an authority figure present to offer corrective advice, there is a huge, painful roadblock in place: The aspie doesnt know there is a problem, and the people on the other side of any interaction with the aspie almost never will have the guts to say anything, for fear of being impolite, or hurting the aspie's feelings, or because the nature of the relationship isnt intense enough to warrant getting into such intimate details as telling an aspie something crucial about his/her voice, as an example.
Feel free to email thoughts anytime: firstname.lastname@example.org
Mon, 7 August 2017
In this episode of the Aspiecast, I get a bit detailed but also a bit random, with my experiences on what its like to excel at work and get promoted, and then be struggling with issues that relate to the aspects of having the responsibilities and new types of work interactions that are part of moving up the ladder in an organization. A big aspect for me that I came to realize a bit too late in life was that I had gained too much of a feeling of self-importance because my workplace authority carried over into the rest of my life. This carryover can lead to people not wanting to be around you or not wanting to help you - including doctors who normally would want to help solve a medical issue.
Sat, 17 June 2017
In this episode I mention how I have received sudden anger in conversation with another person, yet I have no idea how the conversation could have caused me to suddenly be treated like I've done somethign wrong.
I suspect I might have unknowlngly or unconscously brought about the anger I received by expressing what may have been strong antagonism after hearing the other party in the conversation say something that I considered fundamentally incorrect. But I am only guessing since I have no recollection of being antagonistic.
In searching for any indications of whether I could have let out some angry comments without being aware, i found the concept of vocal tics, and became aware that I suffered frome these for at least several years from 4th to 7th grade, and got very embarassed because I didn't have the control over my noises and in some cases didnt realize I was making noises.
I got over the vocal part, but still suffer to this day from a sniffling version of vocal tics, for at least the last 17 years. It isn't constant but I do find that when I am in a situation where anxiety is present in my body, I start sniffling every minute or more, and most of the time I dont realize I am doing it. People I am interacting with start asking me on a regular basis if I have allergies or a cold.
Thanks for listening and always feel free to email email@example.com with any comments or suggestions for new episodes.
Direct download: aspiecast_episode_13_17june2017.mp3
Category:asperger syndrome -- posted at: 10:20pm EDT
Sat, 8 April 2017
Hi... In this 12th episode of the Aspiecast podcast, I mention some of the details surrounding me being sexually assaulted some years back, in my late 40s. Fortunately this was not an assault that resulted in me having to go to the hospital or having to worry about disease ramifications, but it was an incident that I had absolutely no understanding of how to get out of in advance, even though there was enough time for me to take evasive action. What transpired was an aggressive, large person pinning me down inside an empty restaurant dining room after the owner had left, with the owner trusting both of us to lock up after him. The person who assaulted me was just hired that evening, about 5 hours before he pinned me down on a bench seat.
After he climbed on top of me, I remained completely still because I had no idea what I was supposed to do in the situation. He forcefully started to undress me, until he got excited to the point of climax. Luckily that was the end of it, and he wiped off my back with a napkin from the table next to him.
I wanted to do this episode in large part to address the statistic that I heard some time back which says Aspies are more likely than the average person to be sexually assaulted. I see the reason for my particular experience quite clearly in hindsight, because of 3 contrtibuting factors that combined to make me an easy target.
First is the fact that I give off signals of being somewhat different than average and appearing more lonesome as a result. Hindsight tells me that people who need to exert control over others gravitate to me. Secondly, because it is so hard to find friends, I find myself very welcoming to anyone who befriends me even for a short time. I continually remain oblivious to the warning signals that neurotypicals may be better able to sense that would indicate that it isn't wise to interact or befriend certain people.
This second aspect also applies to the types of business owners who I take on as clients. I can't sense the warning signals from those owners that other business consultants might be able to see, and as a result I get very friendly and dedicated to doing work for very unethical business owners who hire very sketchy employees.
Thirdly, it is rare for me to have instinctive indications on how to handle completely new situations involving unexpected types of interaction with another person. When such an interaction also involves something that looks like it will present a threat of some sort, there is no advance information in my brain that tells me how to react in a way that will protect myself and prevent the situation from getting worse.
A fourth issue is also a factor. In both of the sexual assaults I have experienced, alcohol was a key advance contributor. Alcohol as a contributor comes from the fact that it is so much easier to obtain the social interaction I desparately need most of the time by repeatedly placing myself in scenarios or venues where everyone is feeling good and socializing while getting more and more inebriated.
One other thing about this episode: i use the term yogurt while describing the situation. If you know where I got the yogurt connection from, do feel free to email me to let me know: firstname.lastname@example.org.
As always do check out the books & videos I have found to be important at: http://books.aspiecast.com
Sun, 12 March 2017
In this episode I mention how I'm rather down on being an Aspie because of the overall results that have accumulated over life. Over the last year or more, I have realized how Aspergers has contributed to a state of being alone, as well as learning how much I have affected others in a very painful way throughout my 20s, 30s, and 40s.
A major way I'm learning what it was like for former friends to be around with me is through daily interactions I now have with someone who exhibits severe and obvious traits of Aspergers. I'm on the receiving end of self centered, rule based, right/wrong thinking (where others are always wrong or just stupid), and in general demeaning conversations with someone who at their core is a good person.
The net result is that I see almost exactly what it was like when I had friends who enjoyed being around me at first because they could sense what I offered in terms of interesting conversation and interactions, and then gradually they realized how painful it could be to be around me. Even if I wasn't criticizing them, I was criticizing others and focusing conversations on how stupid other people were in various situations that often don't matter at all because they have no effect on me.
Seeing all this evidence now of what it was like to be around me, I regularly suffer bouts of shame. Unfortunatley the shame became intense when I tried to get off of the anti-anxiety medication Paroxetine, so I reverted back to my normal dose after a few weeks when I put two and two together and realized that there was a connection to the dosage level and new, painful episodes of shame that began to arise daily and which spun my brain out of control.
Thanks for listening! Also dont forget to check out books.aspiecast.com which is an amazon store I set up with some of the books and other media that have left an imprint on me.