Sun, 12 March 2017
In this episode I mention how I'm rather down on being an Aspie because of the overall results that have accumulated over life. Over the last year or more, I have realized how Aspergers has contributed to a state of being alone, as well as learning how much I have affected others in a very painful way throughout my 20s, 30s, and 40s.
A major way I'm learning what it was like for former friends to be around with me is through daily interactions I now have with someone who exhibits severe and obvious traits of Aspergers. I'm on the receiving end of self centered, rule based, right/wrong thinking (where others are always wrong or just stupid), and in general demeaning conversations with someone who at their core is a good person.
The net result is that I see almost exactly what it was like when I had friends who enjoyed being around me at first because they could sense what I offered in terms of interesting conversation and interactions, and then gradually they realized how painful it could be to be around me. Even if I wasn't criticizing them, I was criticizing others and focusing conversations on how stupid other people were in various situations that often don't matter at all because they have no effect on me.
Seeing all this evidence now of what it was like to be around me, I regularly suffer bouts of shame. Unfortunatley the shame became intense when I tried to get off of the anti-anxiety medication Paroxetine, so I reverted back to my normal dose after a few weeks when I put two and two together and realized that there was a connection to the dosage level and new, painful episodes of shame that began to arise daily and which spun my brain out of control.
Thanks for listening! Also dont forget to check out books.aspiecast.com which is an amazon store I set up with some of the books and other media that have left an imprint on me.